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1) How does the Man in the Moon get laid? (Answer: Moon Whore)
2) Is it possible to seamlessly work references to a vibrator, Mexican pudding, and Dan Ackroyd into one catchy number? (Answer: Oh yes. Listen to Everyman.)
3) Can a straight man convincingly conjure getting it on with Magic Johnson and explain with clarity how he cleared the hurdle sometimes presented by man-on-man love? (Answer: Absolutely and via explaining the benefits of failing to remember fear.)

Before I go one sentence further, let me tell you that only a fool or someone who is going to be in Portland that night (that would be me) would miss SOUTHPAW JONES’s NEW CD RELEASE PARTY for the CD CRUELTY at the Cactus Café on July 29th, at 8:30. I have no idea why it’s a free show—it’s worth at least fifty bucks a head to hear the guy sing— but there you go, it’s free.
cover for Southpaw’s Cruelty CD

For many years, Southpaw played a weekly gig with Matt the Electrician over at Café Mudi, an event I rarely missed, their chemistry being irresistibly evocative of a folk-punk variation of those two old cranky guys up in the balcony in the Muppet Movies. Both perform astounding solo acts, but together, well that show’s a whole beast unto itself. This year, they moved the whole kit and kaboodle over to Flipnotics in the Triangle on Thursday nights from 8 p.m. til 10 p.m. and very often it’s a SRO crowd.
Matt the Electrician

Last year, when I decided to put on the Dick Monologues Paw—reluctant courtesy of his schedule and not the fact that he owns the equipment in question—finally allowed me to coax him into it. As our token straight guy, he is always served up to the audience at the front end—I call him the human hit of ecstasy because he always makes the audience laugh and drool—and then as our closing dessert.

I asked Paw if I might interview for this column. Being the most selfless lefty on the planet (really the most selfless regardless of hand favored), he thought it would be nicer if he went ahead and interviewed me. And so, herewith, his questions for and my answers.
Southpaw Jones

Paw: Why do you think I was so aloof when you first introduced yourself to me?

Spike: You know, I sort of hated that about you because I was so blown away by your performance and I wanted you to love me and me to love you immediately, like an episode of Barney. And, not knowing you were sort of shy, I thought you were being standoffish and that just didn’t work in the narrative I invented for our newfound, in the moment, BFF status. But maybe it helped in the long run since when I feel rejected, I take that as a challenge to make the other guy like me, so I didn’t give up, and I came and harassed you at Mundi.

Paw: Do any of the ladies or man in the Dick Monologueshttp://www.dickmonologues.com have a crush on me?

Spike: Please. Like you have to ask. If I told you some of the ways you’re objectified by the others…

Paw: Did anything surprise you about CRUELTY?

Spike: You know, “surprise” isn’t the right word for it. But I think it’s interesting and cool that you have such a broad mix of songs on there. I mean, some of them are pretty damn heavy and some are delightfully light (but still very clever). And then there are the other ones, too. If I were interviewing you, I might ask you about this eclectic mix choice. But I’m not interviewing you.

Paw: Why is it that you so strongly relate to my song The Cruelty of Teenage Girls?

Spike: First of all, because it’s the first song I ever heard you play. I was totally sold from the get go, and so to me, that’s this unforgettable memory of a formative moment. I also want to go all faux-new-age and say that I now see the song as a sort of Retrospective Prognostication, if I might be so oxymoronic. Because when I met you, I hadn’t yet met a particular teenage girl who would eventually drive me to such depths that I wound up a huge, medicated mess fantasizing suicide on a regular basis. And I look back at that thankfully brief period now, but it seemed interminable then. And I’m so happy now that I think—no way, could that really have happened? But it did happen. One teenage girl set out to destroy me and she came really, really close to succeeding. Teenage girls are so cruel it’s breathtaking. I remember when I was a teenage girl and Sue Fetterman pinching my arm in algebra and acting all nice to me one minute and spreading rumors about me the next. I’m going to spit in the face of my own hardcore feminism here and say that, really, I am so glad I didn’t have to raise a daughter through teenagerhood. Raising a son through those years has had enough challenges. I don’t think I could’ve survived living with a teenage girl. That said, let’s remind the readers that the song is actually REALLY FUNNY and SUPER SMART.

Paw: Would you call me a sushi-eating progressive or a Marfa-visiting hipster?

Spike: I would. Would you mind if I took (some) credit for that?

Paw: Is my new CD slightly misogynist or just heterosexually honest?

Spike: I guess some of the female characters do have their fair share of hard times, and some are based in archetypes that aren’t terribly progressive. But you? The only straight guy in the Dick Monologues? Misogynist? I don’t see/hear that. And hell, a lot of the songs could be gender switched, sung by a woman about male characters you know? It’s storytelling to me, not sexism.

Paw: Why is your son Henry a better guitarist that I'll ever be? What do you feed him?

Spike: He took up the guitar to punish me for disallowing him a sex change operation. He desperately wanted to be a teenage girl. When I said no, he said, Fucking Fine, you want me to be a boy? Watch THIS. Then he started playing Hendrix riffs around the clock. Oh, and he feeds himself—that was my goal when I was raising him: raise a man who can feed himself and wipe his own ass because there are enough in this world who can’t. (Now who sounds sexist?)

Paw: You look great. Have you lost weight?

Spike: Thanks for noticing. It was the one sort of positive thing about the abovementioned ordeal. My anxiety was so high that I stopped eating and smoked about thirty packs a day. I lost forty pounds overnight practically. Now I’m eating again, and I quit smoking, but I swim like a mofo, which is why I’m not only so popular, but astonishingly tan.

Paw: Do you still think I am a "left-handed Elvis Costello"?

Spike: You’ve made me forget about EC entirely.

Paw: What kinds of people will enjoy CRUELTY the most?

Spike: Any people who have ears and hearts will most enjoy CRUELTY.

Paw: How's your foot?

Spike: Spectacular. Thanks for that. Are you ready to play a benefit to pay for me to get my womb wemoved?

Paw: Do you have any good song title suggestions for me? I'm always looking.

Spike: How about a special song for my third wedding? Something with a little Hebrew in it maybe? No rush, though. Really. NO RUSH.

Paw: How can I be more like The Boss?

Spike: I think he needs to ask himself how he can be more like you, you know? That guy, I love him, but enough with the preaching already. Let’s get down to the music, you know, like Paw.

If Spike Gillespie could be in two places at once, she’d most certainly be at the Cactus Café on Tuesday, July 29th, for Southpaw’s CD release party. She blogs regularly for LaunchPad Coworking and at www.spikeg.com. She is also head mistress for the Dick Monologues. Next show is August 27th and you can email her at spike@spikeg.com to reserve seats.